When I'm Down
by ravenwashere
Summary: James and Logan have been dating for years. When James falls into depression, what will Logan do? Oneshot! Jagan. Please R&R!


Second oneshot! It's a song fic. It's based off the song When I'm Down by Chris Cornell. I absolutely love Chris, he's my favorite singer. So this song has been stuck in my head all day and I decided that I need to write this. Lol. I hope you like it! :)

P.S. Sorry for any spelling mistakes! I wrote this all on my phone, haha.

* * *

><p><em>What say you now, the door is opening<em>  
><em>On your vigil and I'm in my usual way<em>  
><em>I save my breath, knowing what you're, you're <em>_wanting me to say,  
><em>_I only love you when I'm down._

xXx

James leaned on the wall outside the door to his apartment that he shared with his boyfriend, searching for his keys. When he finds them after five minutes, he tipsily walked through the door, barely able to stand up. He looks up and sees that his boyfriend has been holding a vigil, waiting for him to get home.

"James," Logan said in such a cold voice, the room almost froze over. Logan got up and marched in front of James. "Where have you been? It's 3:30 AM! Are you drunk?"

James didn't answer, knowing what Logan wanted to hear wasn't the truth. James gives Logan a kiss with so much passion that the shorter brunette is at a loss for words when it's done. James walked away and towards their guest room. This was becoming a routine for him. "This isn't over. We'll talk in the morning," Logan yelled after him. James nodded and entered the guest room, then laid down on the bed. He knew he shouldn't sleep next to Logan in his condition. James also knew he had a drinking problem, but it was the only thing that made him feel better when he was depressed all the time. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

xXx

_You say that midnight opens it's arms to me  
><em>_Leaving you alone, and then I fly so far away  
><em>_Until the light blurs my vision and I have nowhere to roam  
><em>_I only love you when I'm down._

xXx

James woke up the next morning with a killer headache. He was used to hangovers though, and always had a bottle of aspirin close by. He swallowed a pill dry, then walked out the door to the living room. Logan was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. He looked up at James and showed no emotion on his face. James sat down across from Logan, fidgeting.

"James, I just don't understand," Logan began, putting down the newspaper. "Why do you feel the need to stay out until god know's when and drink the night away? Are you mad at me? I feel like this is my fault. You used to be okay. We used to be okay. What happened? Is this my fault?" Logan asked sadly. It was killing James to see him like this.

"No Logan, it's not your fault," James told him.

"If it's not my fault, who's is it?" Logan's eyes flashed with anger. "Is it anybody's fault? Or are you just not going to take the blame?"

"I'm sorry Logan. I've been depressed, and this is the only thing that makes me feel like myself again. It's nobody's fault but my own," James said. He got up and walked towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" Logan shouted after the him.

"Somewhere," James whispered.

xXx

_And I only love you when I'm down  
><em>_And I'm only near you when I'm gone  
><em>_But one thing for you to keep in mind, you know  
><em>_I'm down all the time._

xXx

James walked around the city, not really knowing where he was going. It was 1 AM. He hadn't had a drink yet, he wasn't sure if he wanted to tonight. James decided that he should go home, he hated to keep Logan worrying. The night was blurring together, everything he saw looked the same to him. He knew it would have looked even worse if he was drinking. When James was drunk, he forgot about everything. It was so easy to lose himself in the intoxication.

When he got home, James saw that Logan wasn't waiting up for him. He went into their bedroom and saw that Logan had left him a note. It read:

_James,  
><em>_I love you, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. If you can't get your act together soon, we're done. I don't want these last three years to have been for nothing. Please.  
><em>_Love,  
><em>_Logan_

James felt like crying. He couldn't lose Logan. He loved him too much. James needed to tell that to him. But he didn't want to wake Logan up right now, so he slipped under the covers and fell asleep to Logan's steady breathing next to him.

xXx

_Well I know you're reaching out and you need to feel my hand  
><em>_You want to be understood, Yeah well I understand_

xXx

The next morning, James woke up alone. He quickly got up and searched for Logan. He was sitting on the couch, watching some boring educational show. "Logan, we need to talk." Logan looked up at James with a stoic expression on his face. He got up and walked over to the table, James following him. "I'm sorry. I love you Logan. I don't want us to be over."

Logan searched James' eyes. Then he grabbed James' hands and said, "I want to understand. Make me understand."

"I only love you when I'm down."

"What do you mean? James, please," Logan begged.

"I've tried to be happy Logan, I keep trying, but nothing is working. I don't think I can be happy anymore. I'm depressed all the time. I don't even know what it feels like to be happy anymore. I don't know if I could love you when I'm happy."

"I want you to listen to me James. There is no way that I'm going to let you think that this is okay. Even if it means losing you, I need you to be happy. We can't live like this anymore."

James understood an ultimatium when he heard one. Either get better and lose Logan, or stay this way and lose Logan. "You can't expect me to answer that!" James yelled. He didn't want to choose. He just wanted to keep Logan. "I won't choose."

"Fine! I'm moving out. I'll be back later to get my stuff." Logan got up and walked out the door. James cried, letting out all his emotions that he'd been keeping inside.

xXx

_I know you hold a precious little hope for me  
><em>_And in your happiness, I'm always drowning in my grief._

xXx

Five months later, James was living alone. He had been more depressed than ever since Logan had left him. He didn't know what to do with himself. Right then he was walking around town, aimlessly. James didn't like to be home anymore. It reminded him too much of Logan.

"James?" He heard someone ask. James turned around and saw Logan, holding hands with a tall blonde. "James! I thought that was you. How have you been?"

James didn't know what to say. "I've been okay," He lied.

"Really? That's so good to hear. I'm glad you're okay," Logan said with such warmth. It didn't even seem that he was mad at James anymore. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. This is my boyfriend Kendall."

"Hey," Kendall said to James.

"Hi," James replied weakly. Boyfriend? Logan had a boyfriend?

"Well it was so good to see you, but we have a lunch date. Give me a call sometime, we can catch up," Logan told James. He waved, and the two of them walked away.

James didn't know what to do. Logan seemed so happy now without him, while he was drowning in depression. It wasn't fair, James thought.

xXx

_And I only love you when I'm down  
><em>_And I'm only near you when I'm gone  
><em>_But one thing for you to keep in mind, you know  
><em>_I'm down all the time  
><em>_All the time, all the time, all the time._

xXx

James stood outside the café he told Logan to meet him at. James was done. He couldn't stand that Logan wasn't his. He couldn't fix himself. He decided the only way to fix this was to tell Logan that the he still loved him. If Logan would take him back, he would make sure that he got the help he needed. And if Logan didn't take him back? James didn't want to think about that possibility. He walked inside and spotted Logan sitting at a table towards the back. James sat down across from him and smiled.

"Hi," Logan greeted him, smiling back. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I still love you Logan, I never stopped. I want another chance. Please."

"James, I don't know" Logan replied uncertainly. "I don't think it'd be a good idea."

"Do you still love me?" James asked boldly. He knew he was being too rash about this, but he needed Logan's answer.

"Yes," Logan answered quietly. James was about to say something, but Logan cut him off. "But I love Kendall too. And you hurt me James. I don't want to go through that again."

"I promise to change."

"James, I don-"

"Logan, please? I'm begging you," James pleaded.

Logan thought about it for what James thought was years. "Okay," Logan finally said. James nearly jumped out of his chair in excitement.

"Really? Thank you Logan!" James kissed Logan on the mouth, making him gasp. When James broke the kiss, Logan looked dazed.

"One thing James," Logan said seriously, "No more drinking. If you come home drunk again, I will not hesitate to leave."

"I promise, Logan."

"I believe you," Logan told him. He then got up and wrapped his arms around James' neck, much to James' delight. Logan connected their lips again. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," James breathed. "I love you Logan. Please don't leave me again."

"I won't," Logan said. "I love you too. Now come on, you have to help me move back in." James nodded his response and they both walked out of the café together, holding hands. James was finally happy for the first time in months. He wasn't going to let anything make him feel down again.

"Let's go home."

* * *

><p>Did you like it? It was kinda hard for me to write. The song is really sad, I don't know if I captured it well enough but oh well, haha! Please review and thanks for reading! :)<p> 


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